Lessons I learned during the Pandemic

When the Coronavirus lockdown started in mid-March, I was gripped by anxiety and confused not knowing how I would survive [mentally, physically, and financially] amid a global crisis. I watched the news religiously hoping coronavirus would leave the United States just as quickly as it came. But the news reports remained unchanged and the unsettling reality was millions of people including myself were at the mercy of a relentless virus. My survivor instincts went into overdrive. If nothing else, I made up my mind to come through this pandemic with my health and sanity intact.

 “Survival is the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances.” Wikipedia

During the second week of isolation, I found myself sitting quietly for hours in deep thought. Finally, I asked myself – what can I do to regain footing and shield my home against the virus? I realized that surviving this pandemic will require resilience, as well as, consciousness of what I can and cannot do.

Be Prepared for the Unexpected

Before the COVID-19 outbreak, I did not have a well-formulated emergency preparedness plan. Although a pandemic could not have been predicted, I have learned the necessity of being ready to respond to a threatened or actual crisis. This involves preparing a plan on how to access life-sustaining resources such as food, water, shelter, and medical supplies/ treatment.

“Preparedness is a state of readiness and having a set of actions that are taken as precautionary measures in the face of potential disasters.” Wikipedia..

Emergency response organizations, such as FEMA and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) are urging individuals to equip themselves with a emergency supply checklist during COVID-19. Here are few helpful tips from ready.gov/pandemic on what to do before and during a pandemic (in case you are prohibited from leaving the house).

  • Store additional supplies of food (non-perishable, ready to eat canned foods) and drinking water (one gallon per person).
  • Small amount of cash $50 – $100 at home in a safe place.
  • Personal hygiene supplies
  • Check your regular prescription drugs to ensure a continuous supply in your home.
  • Have any nonprescription drugs and other health supplies on hand, including pain relievers, stomach remedies, cough and cold medicines, fluids with electrolytes, and vitamins.
  • Get copies and maintain electronic versions of health records from doctors, hospitals, pharmacies and other sources and store them, for personal reference. Get help accessing electronic health records.
  • Talk with family members and loved ones about how they would be cared for if they got sick, or what will be needed to care for them in your home.

Save those coins

In addition to having an emergency preparedness plan, I learned that financial planning could mitigate the stress associated with unexpected job loss, sudden death, and disability due to sickness. FEMA in partnership with Operation Hope has a Financial First Aid Kit (FFAK) to help millions of Americans rebuild their lives in the wake of COVID-19. Several recommended safeguards can be retrieved on Marketwatch.com:

  1. Gather financial and critical personal information.
  2. Consider saving money in an emergency savings account that could be used in any crisis. Keep a small amount of cash at home in a safe place.
  3. Obtain health and life insurance if you do not have them. Review your policies to make sure the amount and types of coverage meets the requirements for all hazards.

COVID-19 changed my financial perspective. I decided to grab a calculator and dissect my finances,. I discovered I could expand my savings by alleviating nonessential expenses (e.g. cable, purchase of take-out food, random Amazon stuff, and shoes (one of my biggest weaknesses). Money discipline was not an overnight process, but it was necessary for short- and long-term survival.

Connect with family and friends

Social-distancing has made me appreciate my relationships more. Although video chatting and phone calls provide a means of communication, I truly miss the luxury of being near family and friends. I recognize that human socialization is an integral part of our existence; it provides community and a sense of belonging. So I have committed to being intentional about genuinely connecting with others – in and outside of my circle.

A great article published by theguardian.com shares amazing stories of people who used isolation as an opportunity to reconnect, heal old wounds, and create new bonds. From these stories, I was inspired to call family I have not spoken to in years. It honestly felt good as I came to realization that life is too short to hold grudges. It does not matter who calls who first. What matters is that family and friends know you care. It is not easy to admit, but we need each other to survive.

Good Health is Wealth

Self-care starts by looking within. Before COVID-19, I neglected to meditate, eat balanced meals, exercise regularly, and observe nature. My system was overstimulated and unhealthy. The lockdown has forced me to slow down and focus the spiritual, physical, and mental aspects of myself. I learned that imbalance in one or more of these areas can break down the immune system and make the body susceptible to stress, anxiety, depression, and high blood pressure. Though this was a hard lesson, I am grateful for the stillness, mindfulness, and enjoyment my new lifestyle gives me.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Spirituality Wellness = Overall Wellness

Dedication to God or a “higher power” translated into less stress reactivity, greater feelings of well-being, and ultimately even a decreased fear of death. – Verywellmind

COVID-19 opened my eyes to the significance of spiritual well-being. This new level of awareness led me to approach spirituality through yoga, prayer, and meditation. These practices have led to a deeper connection with God and self, thus enhancing my self-esteem, sense of purpose, and vitality. The Laborer’s Health and Safety Fund of North America defines spiritual wellness as being connected to something greater than yourself and having a set of values, principles, morals and beliefs that provide a sense of purpose and meaning to life, then using those principles to guide your actions.”

Spirituality has a positive influence on mental and physical health. Research studies reveal that spiritual involvement along with gratitude can strengthen one’s overall wellness. According to verywellmind, a healthy spiritual life is linked to:

  • Less hypertension
  • Less stress, even during difficult times
  • More positive feelings
  • Less depression
  • Greater psychological well-being
  • Inner peace and hope

No one person spiritual journey is the same. There are different paths to connect with a higher power. So I encourage you to select activities that are unique to you and stay with them. The benefits of spirituality are long-lasting and worthwhile.

Resources:

The Benefits of Spiritual Wellness and 10 Activities to Improve It https://www.cratejoy.com/box-insider/spiritual-wellness-benefits-and-activities/

Spiritual Wellness: What Is Your Meaning and Purpose? https://www.lhsfna.org/index.cfm/lifelines/september-2016/spiritual-wellness-what-is-your-meaning-and-purpose/#:~:text=Spiritual%20wellness%20is%20being%20connected,principles%20to%20guide%20your%20actions.

Turn self-isolation into family bonding time: Tips to keep kids engaged during lockdown https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/turn-self-isolation-into-family-bonding-time-tips-to-keep-kids-engaged-during-lockdown/articleshow/74923722.cms?from=mdr

How Spirituality Can Benefit Mental and Physical Health https://www.verywellmind.com/how-spirituality-can-benefit-mental-and-physical-health-3144807

COVID-19 Mental Health Check-Ins

Many people are experiencing mental health concerns as a result of the Coronavirus (COVID-19) quarantine. Stressors related to this pandemic is causing the onset and exacerbation of mental health symptoms such as anxiety, depression, substance and alcohol related abuse, and suicidal thoughts. To support one another, it is important for us to check-in with family, co-workers, and friends to detect signs of psychological distress.

Research predicts a large number of people will experience a decline in mental health due to job losses, financial uncertainty, education concerns, and risk of infection from one person to another, frontline workers in particular. Some 35% of Americans say their mental health has worsened over the past week, an increase over 22% a week earlier, according to recent findings from Axios/Ipsos Coronavirus Index. Forty-three percent said their emotional well-being had gotten worse compared to 29% a week earlier.

Katherine Ponte, author of Coronavirus: Mental Health Coping Strategies states, “the coronavirus can significantly affect mental health for everyone, but especially for those with mental illness. Both the anxiety of contracting the disease as well as the increase in loneliness and isolation can worsen and trigger symptoms. Acknowledging, recognizing and acting on mental distress in these uncertain times is key to lessening the impact” 

A mental health check-in is beneficial to determine if someone you care about is experiencing depression, insomnia, anxiety/ or thoughts of harming themselves or others. It is also advised to do regular check ins with yourself. A self-check-in can be done by taking time to assess how you are feeling. Meditation and journaling are proven methods for stress-reduction.

While checking on the well-being of others, be sure to take care of your own mental and physical needs. The CDC recommend the following tips:

  • Limit news consumption – take breaks from watching, reading, or listening to news stories, including social media. Hearing about the pandemic repeatedly can be upsetting.
  • Take care of your body. Take deep breaths, stretch, or meditate. Try to eat healthy, well-balanced mealsexercise regularlyget plenty of sleep, and avoid alcohol and drugs.
  • Make time to unwind. Try a new hobby or some other activities you enjoy.
  • Connect with others. Talk with people you trust about your concerns and how you are feeling.

Encourage open communication about COVID 19 in your household or workplace and how it is affecting each person individually. Discussing concerns together will build a sense of community, support, and understanding. Here are a few questions you can ask when doing a mental check in. A mental health check-in poster may be used for children (incorporate sticky notes and markers) to prompt expression of difficult emotions.

Check In Questions

  • How are you feeling overall?
  • How are you coping?
  • What is your stress level? (ask for a range from mild to severe)
  • Are you feeling angry, sad, frustrated, or hopeless?
  • Are you having trouble sleeping or loss of appetite?
  • Are you are having difficulty concentrating or doing activities you enjoy?
  • Crying often, feeling overwhelmed, or unable to function normally?
  • Are you having unusual bad thoughts?
  • Are your thoughts racing?
  • Do you feel out of control?
  • Can I support you? (offer prayer, time to talk, or a help resource)

For more information on coping straetgies and how to identify mental distress in children and adults, visit the CDC website. If you or a loved one are in crisis, call at healthcare provider if symptoms appear for several days, 911, or Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA’s) Disaster Distress Helpline: 1-800-985-5990 or text TalkWithUs to 66746. National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

Resources:

Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Mental Health and Coping during COVID 19. https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html

Ponte, Katherine. Coronavirus: Mental Health Coping Strategies. NAMI. March 20, 2020 https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/March-2020/Coronavirus-Mental-Health-Coping-Strategies

A Time to Heal

On The Wings Of Freedom – Birds Flying And Broken Chains – Charge Concept

I recently read a book by R. Dandridge Collins, Ph.D, entitled the Trauma Zone. This book provides clear insight on how trauma adversely impacts psychological functioning. Specifically, Dr. Collins explains why many trauma survivors feel trapped or unable to carry on with normal life because their emotional pain keeps them locked in the past. I recommend this book to anyone suffering with trauma-related disorders such as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anxiety, and depression.

Here is an excerpt from a chapter (Summary of Hope – You can Cope) in Trauma Zone:

There comes a time when we can settle the old account of pain through our faith…one of the chief things that happen to you when you have come through trauma is that you become uptight, typically about many things. But the path of recovery helps you to relax and enjoy your life, perhaps for the first time. Rather than our emotions being in constant state of flux in which we feel out of control, out of sorts and out of line, our hearts are transformed by the Shepherd’s love and we take our emotions back. Instead of our feelings ruling us, we learn to cope with our emotions by relying on God’s love in any situation, pleasant or unpleasant.  

I am a trauma survivor and can personally relate to the perspective shared in this book. Some years ago, I was diagnosed with Post-traumatic disorder (PTSD). My diagnosis was emotional and life-altering. I struggled with fear, grief (loss of emotional regulation), loneliness, and confusion. I had little support and was instructed to be strong even during times of weakness. Although this was upsetting, I was not deterred. I knew that tackling this disorder would require seeking help, as well as, having a level of vulnerability I was not fully ready for, but I was willing to try. Being diagnosed with PTSD was not necessarily bad; it awakened my need for inner healing. I was once told, “one cannot heal what s/he does not acknowledge.” I came to acknowledge that keeping past trauma buried was compromising my mental health and ability to function normally.

Before embarking on a journey of healing, I had to dig deep and acknowledge that trauma was the source of my PTSD. This is when the hard work began. Understanding trauma and the recovery process called for identification of triggers and learning coping skills such as deep breathing, journaling, self-care, and the use of grounding techniques, mindfulness, and positive affirmations.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and use of coping skills helped me immensely. If you are experiencing anxiety and PTSD, I encourage you to practice these skills as well.

  • Deep Breathing (4 7 8 technique) – breathe through the nose for 4 seconds. Hold the breath for a count of 7 seconds. exhale through the mouth by pursing the lips for 8 seconds. Repeat the cycle up to 4 times. Another breathing technique is called 7/11 – Breathe in for a count of 7 seconds and out for a count 11 seconds. It is used to help relax, de-stress and regain composure in a variety of situations.  
  • Journaling is a mindful practice of writing down your thoughts. This practice helps lowers anxiety, boost memory, mood, and comprehension. It also increases cognitive processing. There are great journal prompts and ideas on Pinterest.
  • Self-Care is the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness during periods of stress. A few examples are listening to soothing music, meditating, taking walks, soaking in a relaxing bath, talking to friends, prayer, taking a mental break from work.
  • Grounding techniques (calms you quickly and brings you back to the here-and-now). Use your five senses or tangible objects — things you can touch to help you move through distress, such as rubbing a soft object, savoring a scent, looking at a relaxing image, listening to calming sounds, moving your body, putting hands in water, taking a short walk.
  • Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. For example: Slow down and notice things around you. Live in the moment. Try to intentionally bring an open, accepting and discerning attention to everything you do. Accept yourself and focus on your breathing.
  • Positive affirmations lead to positive thinking and mitigates the effects of stress. Positive statements such as: I am enough, I am powerful, Enjoy the little things, I can do anything – will help you overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts.

Lastly, I learned self-forgiveness. It was crucial for me to forgive myself and those who hurt me in order to heal. Kendra Cherry, author Taking steps to forgiving yourself states “Forgiveness is a deliberate decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment, and retribution toward someone who you believe has wronged you… while you may be quite generous in your ability to forgive others, you may be much harder on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, but learning how to learn from these errors, let go, move on, and forgive yourself is important for mental health and well-being.”

Life is a journey. We sustain wounds along the way, but we can heal. I hope this article motivates anyone who is hurting to take time to heal. When you commit to the recovery process, you will break generational curses and experience a profound shift in your mind and spirit.

The realness of Mental Health in African American Community

I want to be among the few who share their experience with mental health in effort to promote awareness and the end the stigma on mental illness in the black community. Before sharing my story, here are a few facts proving the prevalence of mental health in the United States. Based on statistics reported by NAMI (National Alliance Mental Illness):

1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year,
1 in 25 U.S. adults experience serious mental illness each year
1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year
50% of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14, and 75% by age 24
Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among people aged 10-34

Mental illness does not discriminate. Anyone can develop a mental health disorder regardless of age, religion, gender or economic status. However, stigmatization of mental illness among African-Americans has led to the disguise of symptoms and many struggling in silence. This a serious problem that warrants an increase of education, intervention, and dialogue in our community.

My mental health journey began in 2004. I struggled with chronic sadness and fatigue after the birth of my first child. Six weeks later, I went to a follow-up appointment with OB-GYN and was diagnosed with post-partum depression and prescribed an anti-depressant medication. I was told that my symptoms were normal and that many women experience depression after giving birth. Even with medication, the lowliness persisted. Eventually the sadness manifested into severe panic attacks. I went back to my doctor and was clinically diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). This was devastating. I went from feeling low to extremely anxious all the time. I could not sleep because my thoughts raced. I isolated myself socially because I feared having panic attacks in front of others. I tried to talk to family and friends about what I was experiencing and was told to pray about it. No one understood or even tried to understand. I felt so alone.

After years of suffering, I decided to put my fears aside and get help. I went to therapy and a anxiety support group recommended by my therapist. I must say it was the best decision I ever made. Had I chosen not to get professional treatment, my anxiety and depression would have consumed me.

Thinking back, my biggest fear was being labeled and ostracized for having a condition I could not control. In the African American community, the stigma associated with mental conditions increases the vulnerability to and severity of such conditions and prevent individuals from pursuing adequate treatment. Without proper treatment, mental health conditions can worsen and make day-to day life harder. Silence and stoicism – denying oneself help in order to appear strong – need to be overcome. True strength lies in recognizing the need for help and seeking it out (St. John, 2017)

Professional treatment works. There is help and resources available. Consult with your primary care doctor to determine whether the symptoms you are experiencing is a mental health disorder. If you do not have a primary care doctor, contact a local health or mental health clinic or your local government to see what services you qualify for. You can find contact information online at findtreatment.samhsa.gov or by calling the National Treatment Referral Helpline at 800-662-HELP (4357). NAMI helpline 800-950-NAMI. Text 741741 for help in a crisis.

Wounded wings can fly

Reclaim confidence and take ownership of the sky

Protect your beliefs and embrace your fear, for greatness only comes when you preserve.

Have your wings been wounded? Good news! You can fly again and soar to great heights. A painful circumstance may make it hard to spread your wings but know that your ability to soar can be restored. It takes strength, perseverance, and commitment to heal.

Despite what you are facing, whether it is abuse, depression, anxiety, homelessness, low-self-esteem, or addiction, you can overcome! Do not abandon your purpose. Healing is within reach.

Cast away doubt and shame. Let pain fall beneath your wings as you raise into the atmosphere. Even when it hurts, flutter your wings until the desirable altitude is reached. Eagles take flight with gravity and the strength of their wings to thrust forward into the sky. You can do the same. God renews strength (Isaiah 40:31). His grace is all the gravity you need to achieve elevation.

You might have to fly alone or rest from time to time. But the moral is, healing takes time, but do not give up on flying. Be brave; leave your worries on the ground. You will realize that your vantage point in the sky is better than on the ground. Choose to nurture your destiny and explore new horizons.

Toxic Relationships: Knowing When to Love from a Distance

Remove yourself from people who treat you like your time does not matter, like your feelings are worthless or like your soul is replaceable – S. McNutt

Are you engaged in relationship that is draining your energy and leaving you depleted? It may be time to set boundaries/ or and learn how to love from a distance. This can be difficult to do in relationships where there is an unhealthy emotional attachment and codependency issues.

In such relationships, boundary setting can seem unachievable, but it can be done. The initial step is understanding your own personal boundaries and the importance of establishing them. Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others.

To establish healthy boundaries, communication is paramount as you will need to articulate the impact the relationship is having on you and your need for space. Do not be afraid to assert yourself. It is your right to self-preserve when a relationship has become toxic and unhealthy. There is nothing selfish about wanting to detach yourself from dysfunction and drama. Sherrie Campbell , a licensed California Psychologist and author of the book “Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person” stated, “sometimes we spend years sacrificing our mental and emotional health in abusive relationships under the notion that we have to because these people are our family.” When family and friends begin treating you poorly, it is time to protect yourself from ongoing mistreatment and stress.

My struggle was shouldering the burdens of my loved ones and allowing their negative energy to consume me. I seldomly said no or communicated how my health and feelings were suffering under the weight of their constant problems and toxicity. I did not want to hurt anyone’s feelings or be perceived as uncaring. However, I could not continue giving of myself to those who were incapable of reciprocation. A line had to be drawn. Setting boundaries was necessary to maintain my own physical and mental health.

In an ABC News article written by Genevieve Shaw Brown, 7 Signs It’s time to cut (Toxic) family ties, Sherrie Campbell stated the following reasons to distance yourself or terminate relationships with family:

  1. When the relationship is based in manipulation, overt or covert, you are being used and abused mentally, sexually, verbally, or emotionally. When you are living in constant anxiety never knowing or being able to predict how any engagement is going to turn out.
  2. When the only contact you have with them is negative. The contact you have with them serves to bring you down or make you feel you are not good enough, or you have not done enough for them.
  3. When the relationship creates so much stress that it affects the important areas of your life at work, home or both.
  4. If you find yourself obsessed with the gossip about you and trying to right wrong information, and you are constantly being ostracized to the point you are losing sleep over it.
  5. When the relationship is completely all about the other person and there is no real reason why the other person cannot make any effort toward the health and maintenance of the relationship with you. One sided relationships are set up for your failure.
  6. When the relationship is only about borrowing money or needing money.
  7. When no-win games dominate the relationship such as silent treatment, blame games, no win arguments that spin around on you. These kinds of verbal interactions are set up to be their way or the highway. if these are the negative consequences you receive each time the person or people do not get their way, it is time to go.

Sister Garden

garden is a space set aside for the cultivation of plants/ flowers in different heights, colors, textures, and fragrances to create interest and delight the senses. In this meaning, the word cultivation stands out the most – meaning growth, planting, harvesting, and raising.

When I think about a garden and its meaning, my sisters come to mind. Black women growing together and cultivating each other while sowing seeds of inspiration, kindness, acceptance, and strength into the world. We encourage one another to flourish amid weeds, thorns, and  moments of drought. Like actual flowers, we absorb nourishment from the sun (Son) which fortify the roots of our sisterhood. All that we receive, we reciprocate back into the garden.  When one flower needs restoration, we beckon the nurturing care of our Gardener [Christ] in prayer.

For flowers to bloom with color and sweet fragrance, they need to be properly cared for. In the sister garden, this is what we do, regardless of the elements that come against us. We recognize the rarity of having  genuine women in our lives with whom you can cry and laugh. I encourage all women to start a sister garden, sow into the soil of sisterhood, so future flowers will be inspired to build a strong and beautiful bond.

Lift Up Thine Head

Are you facing a circumstance that seems insurmountable?

Lift your head my friend. Trouble does not last always. I can personally attest to this.

Three years ago, I endured a painful divorce. My heart was shattered along with my self-esteem. I hung my head for weeks in shame and despair.  In the moment, it was easier to look down because to look forward meant seeing the raging storm in front of me.  It was tragic in every meaning of the word – a loss that felt like a death. I had no strength to fight, pray, or even cry. I asked God why repeatedly and he was seemingly silent. I felt alone with so many unanswered questions.

One random day, I fell to my knees and said an earnest prayer. Hands raised upwards and tears streaming down from my cheeks, I shouted “Please Lord take this pain away”. Before this, I was bitter and could not pray as my pain would not allow it. Gradually the pain subsided, and my spiritual vision became clear. The reason I was not free is because I did not want to let go. The longer I held onto a dead situation, I was rejecting the new life God had destined for me.

“But when these things begin to take place, straighten up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.” Luke 21:28

By releasing my pain, I was in position to receive –  peace, revelation, and healing. I could finally lift my head. It took turning away from my circumstance and turning towards the one who could sustain me. This was the hardest part of the process. Sometimes when pain invades our hearts, it easier to hurt, than seek deliverance. I had to acknowledge that I was not strong enough nor capable of fighting any battle on my own.

I also learned that there is purpose in pain. You may ask how is this so? As a result of my divorce, I became better than I was before. The mountain that seemed undefeatable was conquered. And on the other side, was life better than I imagined.

Before opening my soul to forgiveness, I was in a destitute place – unemployed, nearly homeless, financially unstable, emotionally broken and psychologically battered. My life was in ruins. But GOD! The very obstacle sent to destroy me, ultimately led me to healing and wholeness.

Today I walk with my head high. I came through the storm and you can too!

When One Grieves, We All Grieve.

Can our community withstand another candlelight vigil?

Gun violence in the United States results in tens of thousands of deaths and injuries annually. The ownership and control of guns are among the most widely debated issues in the country. According to the Gun Violence Archive of 2019, there has been 40,835 shooting incidents; 10,823 deaths in total (2,247 teenagers 12-17 and 504 children 0-11) and 306 mass shootings.

Wikipedia and Gun Violence 2019 Archive

Today, I received news that another person was murdered. So, sad! It has become increasingly hard to watch the news due to the growing prevalence of gun crime. I think to myself, as the grief of our nation intensifies, will the outcry of mothers, fathers, daughters, and sons ever be heard?

Gun-related deaths and violence is leaving communities heartbroken and in mourning. A time has come for immediate action. Before more lives perish, we must galvanize policies, justice campaigns, and rallies to send the message that one person loss is a loss to the whole community. No one should have to endure the death and burial of a loved one due to a gun fatality.

I have learned that the loss does not happen in a vacuum. It permeates throughout communities, affecting people of diverse cultures, races, ages, and backgrounds.  And if we listen closely, we can hear Help Please. This is too painful to bear. When grief goes unresolved, it spreads universally and from one generation to the next. If we are to heal, grief education and awareness must be mobilized in our communities.

Grief and loss are inevitable parts of the human phenomenon which impact people in different ways, causing depression, anxiety, suicide, addiction, and destitution of hope. Help exists. I encourage everyone who has lost a loved one to utilize grief management resources, such as support groups, counseling therapy, bereavement workshops, and conferences.

Grief Management Resources:

Grief and Loss – American Counseling Association https://www.counseling.org/ The Dougy Center – Grief Resources https://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/ The Wendt Center for Loss & Healing https://www.wendtcenter.org/ 2nd annual Grieving with Hope Conference Life in Christ Ministries October 12, 2019 10 am – 12 pm Facilitated by: Anitra Green, LCSW

The Cry Within – Overcoming Childhood Domestic Violence

Children are exposed to unacceptable rates of violence in the home. More than 1 in 9 (11 percent) were exposed to some form of family violence in the past year, including 1 in 15 (6.6 percent) exposed to Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) between parents (or between a parent and that parent’s partner). One in four children (26 percent) were exposed to at least one form of family violence during their lifetimes. Most youth exposed to family violence, including 90 percent of those exposed to IPV, saw the violence, as opposed to hearing it or other indirect forms of exposure

Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention

Here is my story:

My earliest memory of domestic violence in my home began at 7 years old. My stepfather was verbally and physically abusive towards my mother. Although, he was a loving man, his temper was explosive. I remember scary arguments that erupted into fights. I would be paralyzed with intense fear and anxiety. I wanted to protect my mother, but I was a defenseless child. All I could do was cower in a corner or run for safety with my baby brother. I felt helpless and traumatized. There is one incident I recall vividly. My parents were arguing for what seemed like hours, then my stepfather struck my mother in the face. I could hear crashing of objects and my mother screaming in distress “stop hitting me…please ”. I grabbed my brother’s hand and led him out of our apartment to my aunt’s apartment who lived below us on the second floor. Despite our palpable terror, my stepfather did not think twice about striking my mother repeatedly in front of us.

As time went on, more fights ensued between my parents; each one worse than the last. One time, to escape the violence,  I went outside and walked around the block with my brother in tow. My mother – trembling and battered found us sitting on the front stoop. I do not remember if 911 was called, but I recall the aftermath – broken glass, turned over furniture, and my mother in tears. I would ask myself, why a man who claimed to love us would cause so much fear and suffering?

My fight, flight, freeze responses were severely imbalanced from witnessing violence in my home. I was hyper vigilant and always on alert. I suffered with panic attacks even when no danger was present. Encounters with conflict of any kind would either cause an overreaction or no reaction at all. As a teenager, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder called Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Then later diagnosed with depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I was prescribed a variety of medication, but none of them provided relief. The root of my depression and anxiety was trauma. I did not want this to be my reality, but sadly it was. I was faced with a decision – be a victim or a victor. I chose the latter. So, I started on a course of therapy to overcome my trauma wounds.

According national statistics, Victims of childhood domestic violence are at higher risk of neurological disorders, chronic pain, disability, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as well as noncommunicable diseases such as hypertension, cancer and cardiovascular diseases, and addiction to alcohol, tobacco, or drugs.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)

This is my first public disclosure. For many years, I did not tell anyone about my diagnosis or about my experience with domestic violence as a child. I was embarrassed and feared being judged. I finally came to the realization that in order to heal, I must tell my story to empower other childhood domestic violence victims to begin their own healing journey.

If you know a child living in a home with domestic violence, get help immediately.

Resources:

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
  • National Coalition Against Domestic Violence https://ncadv.org